scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”