Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
All excellent questions
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes