If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Why is this me 😫
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?