Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up