Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey