Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“our sushi is very fresh”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.