I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I mean…but I did
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m listening
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.