Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”