i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.