We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
You Might Also Like
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.