me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
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Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂