Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
No Google it does not
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine