I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
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Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them