I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Name this drama.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin