I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
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THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid