How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
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Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.