me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?