every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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