“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
guys I’m going home
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.