Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”