I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.