I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
The point of your 20s
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that