Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
New favorite tiktok
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.