one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry