The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
#CatsOnTwitter
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.