why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Oh deer
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do