*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.