I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
liiiiiiiiike
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.