[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.