Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
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bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.