If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc