I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.