[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Grandmother clock.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit