The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
You Might Also Like
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
LOL
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.