Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?