*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The symmetry is uncanny.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.