There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce š
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I wonder if Iāve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I have questions??
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My husband listens to me like he doesnāt realize thereās going to be a quiz later.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked āwhen is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?ā
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I just came across my wifeās Tinder profile and Iām so angry about her lies.
She is not āfun to be aroundā.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: Iāll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pepā¦umā¦Is cokā¦okā¦Isā¦Iā¦what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: iām sorry i think i made a wrong turn
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They donāt have those in Narnia.