ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.