There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
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Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet