if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.