Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT