Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it