Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom