Thrilling chase underway
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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.