Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Our lord and savoury.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Was it something I said?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir