I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet