Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
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If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”