Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
That’s not how days work.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!