Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Breaking news:
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫