As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.